


Didn't mean to say (i love you)

by EmilieTulip



Series: To Walk Alone, Beside You [3]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Domestic Violence, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Merlin!whump, Poor Merlin (Merlin), Unrequited Love, Whump, arthur has had enough, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-22 03:04:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20867156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmilieTulip/pseuds/EmilieTulip
Summary: Scared for his friend, Arthur confronts Merlin.





	Didn't mean to say (i love you)

**Author's Note:**

> Please read tags before reading for potential trigger warnings. The title comes from Billie Eilish's song, i love you.

There was a thumping that was trying to cave in Merlin's head. It was demanding and loud and -

THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!

_'Oh my god_!' cried the body beside him as it stumbled, tangled, from their bed. 'That absolute_ fucker_. Who the fuck . . .'

Mordred continued to spit curses under his breath as he disappeared from sight, towards the incessant noise. Merlin groaned, puling the covers above his head and trying not to notice the world spinning. Last night had been a rough one. It was fun, but now? Now he wanted _to die_. He didn't care what the noise was. He did not give a single flying fuck what Mordred was doing_. No,_ Merlin sniffled_, let him sleep_.

Vaguely, the sound of the door being opened could be registered, and Mordred's angry voice demanding explanation. A different voice responded. Merlin felt his ears twitch. There was something familiar about the newcomer, something that made his heart drop. Merlin sniffled, wiped his nose, pulled the covers closer. Mordred's voice was sneering now. Merlin recognised it as the same tone he used when he wanted specifically to make Merlin bleed. To reassure him that he was addicted to more than just the drugs. That without Mordred, Merlin would _be insignificant_. It made him whimper at the memory of all those times that tone was turned on him. He just wanted to be -

Mordred was cut off with a thump, then a crash, and then nothing.

'_Mer_lin!'

Oh goddess, he knew that voice. He twitched slightly under the duvet. Maybe, just maybe, the sheets would swallow him whole. He didn't want Arthur to see him like this. He didn't want anyone to understand what Mordred had moulded him into.

A repeat, 'Merlin!'

It seemed more harried this time. Panicked, almost. But Merlin knew Arthur, and Arthur Pendragon did _not_ panic. Not over anything. Certainly not over him. But the footsteps were closer now, and there was no mistaking the worry and desperation in his friends voice as he called his name.

The door slammed open and Arthur's shouts dropped off mid-cry. Sniffing, Merlin shut his eyes, unable to stop the tears he didn't know had gathered. His hands felt cold.

'Merlin?' Arthur's voice was barely a whisper.

It was strange - a tone he had never heard on his friend before. There had always been a confidence behind the teasing and banter they shared. This tone held none of that. It was weak, trembling, somehow stripped bare of everything that built up Arthur. He never wanted to hear his friend like this again, but still he did not move.

A hand, tentative yet firm, was placed upon his shoulder, shaking him ever so slightly. Merlin curled towards it, seeking the heat and uncaring of the burning fires he knew would accompany it. Arthur was here. There would be no more hiding. He winced as the sheet was pulled away from his face, eyes screwed shut, but made no move to stop Arthur. Soft fingers tilted his chin in examination, fluttered around the bruise Mordred had left on his cheek, wiped the traitorous tears from under his eyes.

Arthur choked, 'What has he done to you?'

Merlin's eyes fluttered open, red and raw to the sunlight Arthur had let in. He wasn't prepared, but then again, when was he ever when it came to Arthur. His friend was golden, still bronzed from his honeymoon. Healthy and bright. _Good, _Merlin thought,_ that's good_.

'Merlin,' he whimpered, and Merlin was shocked to see tears running down his face. 'I'm sorry.'

'No,' croaked Merlin, voice rough with disuse. 'It's my fault. I did this.'

'He _hurt_ you.'

'I wanted him to. I . . . I needed to-'

'What?' snapped Arthur, desperation seeping out of him like sweat.' What could you possibly need enough to-'

Lost for words, he gestured to the powder smeared into the bedside table, notes scattered around it like candy. Merlin wiped his nose subconsciously, hands trembling. He didn't hide the tears now, pushing Arthurs hand away from his face with an aggression he didn't know he held.

'You wouldn't get it!' he cried, pushing himself up the bed. 'You're life's always been silver spoons and daisies. You don't know what it's like to… to-'

'To what? Get upset? A bit down?' Arthur snarled. 'You know damn well I do, try again.'

'I needed to forget! I needed to feel something else or feel nothing at all; I was being burnt alive from the inside out, Arthur, and I couldn't… I can't . . .'

'You _can't _what, _Mer_lin?' Arthur shouted, grasping his friend's chin and tilting it so their eyes met. 'What could possibly be so bad that _drugs_ are the answer? That the weasel I decked on the way in, who is _clearly_ destroying you, is the only way out?'

'You wouldn't-'

'Merlin!'

'I _love_ you, dammit!'

Silence hung in the room. The storm had passed now, leaving the carnage for all to see. Merlin closed his eyes, unwilling to stare at Arthur any longer. He felt naked, laid bare underneath his skin. That was it, the last piece of Merlin he had kept to himself. He sagged, suddenly exhausted. Arthur withdrew his hand.

'Merlin, you_ idiot!' _

Merlin tried to pull the covers back over him, only for Arthur to wrestle them from his grip, tugging him so that Merlin was half sprawled over his lap.

'You should've told me,' Arthur soothed, stroking the grimy black hair of his best friend as he shook with long-suppressed sobs.

Merlin couldn't stop the tears. It were as if all the years of holding back had suddenly caught up to him. The barriers were down. Arthur knew.

'Go away,' he mewled, a pathetic attempt to remain some absent dignity. 'I hate you.'

But Arthur simply held him close, comforting him. 'Shhh, it's okay. We're going to be okay.'

When the sobs subsided and the shakes of withdrawal began to make themselves known, Merlin blinked up at Arthur, held his gaze, and whispered, 'Help me, please,' knowing that they would be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this on a plane. Hopefully you like it? If anyone's interested I just started a blog: Iguwanna.wordpress.com


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